Why Men Will Never Be Replaced By Vibrators
It’s enough to make a penis shake in his briefs. But I’m here to tell peckers everywhere: Fear not, you’ll never be replaced (nor will the men attached to them).
1. ORGASMS AREN’T EVERYTHING
Sure, a vibrator can offer toe-curling ecstasy, but that’s it. It can’t flirt with you. It won’t make eyes at you from across the bar. You can forget about erotically-charged repartee or scintillating cocktail conversation with a dildo. There will be no feverish make-up sex, because there will be no arguments (although there might be yelling when the batteries run out). A hunk of plastic can’t softly kiss you on your neck or endearingly fumble with the buttons on your blouse. It won’t talk dirty (it only gets dirty, and it never ever cleans itself). And it certainly won’t be any good at post-coital cuddling.
Orgasms are nice and all, but it’s all that other stuff that makes sex.
2. HAVE YOU SEEN A PENIS LATELY?
Judging from the fact that you’re bothering to read this, you’re probably a heterosexual dude, and as a heterosexual dude living in a puritanical, homophobic
society you’re probably like, “ew, penises, gross.” Well, allow me to offer a female perspective: They are gorgeous. Miraculous. Divine. That is what any straight woman who has gotten over her own sexual hang-ups will tell you. I don’t care how many world-class industrial designers you throw at the project of engineering a sleek new sex toy—no vibrator is going to match the aesthetic beauty of an actual dick. Fact.
3. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD SOMEONE SUGGEST THAT FLESHLIGHTS WILL REPLACE WOMEN?
I’m guessing the answer is “hell no.” Why would it be any different with vibrators and men?
4. VIBRATORS JUST AREN’T THAT GOOD
As a sex writer, I’m sent fancy new sex toys all the time. This used to be a major perk of the job. Now I realize how much alike they all are. They have nothing of the variety of real, live men—not in terms of looks or moves. Most of mine have ended up as landfill—the vibrators, not the men.
5. SEX TOYS ARE YOUR FRIENDS
A fear of vibrators was maybe understandable back when women were expected to orgasm from penetration alone. But these days, we all recognize that most women need some manual assistance too, right? That isn’t an insult to your carnal abilities; it’s just basic biology. So instead of thinking of vibes as a replacement for men, think of them as a tool for better-partnered sex. I’ve seen particularly enlightened men even boast of their Hitachi-wielding skills.
There’s nothing manlier than a guy who isn’t threatened by a fake phallus.
6. IT’S HARDNESS DOESN’T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING
A hard dick tells us that we’re turning you on—and that turns us on. We like to know how our naked bodies and carefully executed gyrations are being received, and a boner is your penis’s version of a round of applause. There’s nothing like some positive reinforcement to get us to relax and get into the mood. And guess what? A vibrator is always hard. Who needs that kind of false praise!
7. MEN CAN LEARN WHAT YOU LIKE
Guys—well, some of them anyway—know how to respond to women’s writhing and moans. They can read which facial contortions mean ‘don’t stop’ and which mean
‘try something different’. Even better, they tend to remember what works and what doesn’t for next time.
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